I feel like livejournal is basically as private as a forum that I can have considering who knows if anyone really reads it anymore. However, if by chance someone does stumble across this, I hope it finds you well. Peace be with you!
I have, for some reason, recently had a drive to explore Catholicism.
I can't place where this is coming from, but it is the most intense feeling.
I feel like I'm ready for some real joy in my life.
And reading through my past LJ posts are just embarrassing. The anger, the ranting, the swearing, the lack of grace or restraint. And it's not just as if it's solely restricted to LJ or my past... My current Twitter account has some of the same rage. I guess I'm trying to find out what I've really been so pissed off about my whole life. I have always felt so inadequate, for so many reasons. I have always felt that there have been people who possess more knowledge, maturity, beauty and peace than I do, and I have been jealous. Not that jealousy is a noble emotion, but perhaps now from my jealousy instead of revolting or turning that jealousy into self hatred, I will now replace jealousy with curiosity. When I stumble across someone who has a beautiful peace about themselves, I will ask what gives them the strength to carry themselves that way.
My friend asked me what was drawing me to Catholicism and I told her, "I guess part of it is because of the tradition, and the outreach and helping people... that's probably the mom in me. I also just feel like it's something so much bigger than me and it's something outside of myself. I'm so self centered most of the time and it's very humbling. I'm ready to have some joy and beauty in my life. Isabella has make me feel like it's actually possible. I feel like she may have saved my soul (Oh no, is that sacrilege? Isn't Jesus supposed to do that?). I feel like I have been living at 50%, or in 3rd gear. I didn't even know there was a 100% or 4th gear. My little baby showed me a glimpes that there is more. And I don't know why I am connecting that with all of a sudden being religious, and particularly being Catholic. But I just feel like I'm surrounded by people who are so negative. I don't see how my parents being atheists and hating religion so much has benefited them at all. They are never happy. Ever."
So... who knows. I have been crying a lot this past week. I feel like there is a whole other world that I have completely lost out on. That being said, I'm young enough that hopefully all hope isn't lost :)
I've never been able to wrap my head around the concept of God, so in years past I've found it easier to just ignore Him. I don't think I've ever been able to flat out say, I don't believe in God, at least not with any more confidence than I could say I for sure know He exists. I've just not received the gift of faith so I didn't know what to think. I have found a prayer to guide me through that struggle- "I yearn to understand some measure of they truth which my heart believes and loves. For I do not seek to understand in order to have faith, but I have faith in order to understand. For I believe even this: I shall not understand unless I have faith". I always thought that I would have to understand before I had faith. I never was able to have faith because I didn't understand. And I can't explain away why I all of a sudden have faith. I truly believe it is a gift that you have to receive. You cannot just decide to have faith. Or maybe some people can. But I could not.
I'm not sure where to go from here. I think I will start with prayer and try to gain some more knowledge about the Church and being Catholic. And also try to lead a more beautiful, peaceful life.