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January 13th, 2010

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I feel like livejournal is basically as private as a forum that I can have considering who knows if anyone really reads it anymore.  However, if by chance someone does stumble across this, I hope it finds you well.  Peace be with you!

I have, for some reason, recently had a drive to explore Catholicism. 

I can't place where this is coming from, but it is the most intense feeling. 

I feel like I'm ready for some real joy in my life. 

And reading through my past LJ posts are just embarrassing.  The anger, the ranting, the swearing, the lack of grace or restraint.  And it's not just as if it's solely restricted to LJ or my past... My current Twitter account has some of the same rage.  I guess I'm trying to find out what I've really been so pissed off about my whole life.  I have always felt so inadequate, for so many reasons.  I have always felt that there have been people who possess more knowledge, maturity, beauty and peace than I do, and I have been jealous.  Not that jealousy is a noble emotion, but perhaps now from my jealousy instead of revolting or turning that jealousy into self hatred, I will now replace jealousy with curiosity.  When I stumble across someone who has a beautiful peace about themselves, I will ask what gives them the strength to carry themselves that way.

My friend asked me what was drawing me to Catholicism and I told her, "I guess part of it is because of the tradition, and the outreach and helping people... that's probably the mom in me.  I also just feel like it's something so much bigger than me and it's something outside of myself.  I'm so self centered most of the time and it's very humbling.  I'm ready to have some joy and beauty in my life.  Isabella has make me feel like it's actually possible.  I feel like she may have saved my soul (Oh no, is that sacrilege?  Isn't Jesus supposed to do that?).  I feel like I have been living at 50%, or in 3rd gear.  I didn't even know there was a 100% or 4th gear.  My little baby showed me a glimpes that there is more.  And I don't know why I am connecting that with all of a sudden being religious, and particularly being Catholic.  But I just feel like I'm surrounded by people who are so negative.  I don't see how my parents being atheists and hating religion so much has benefited them at all.  They are never happy.  Ever."

So... who knows.  I have been crying a lot this past week.  I feel like there is a whole other world that I have completely lost out on.  That being said, I'm young enough that hopefully all hope isn't lost :)

I've never been able to wrap my head around the concept of God, so in years past I've found it easier to just ignore Him.  I don't think I've ever been able to flat out say, I don't believe in God, at least not with any more confidence than I could say I for sure know He exists.  I've just not received the gift of faith so I didn't know what to think.  I have found a prayer to guide me through that struggle- "I yearn to understand some measure of they truth which my heart believes and loves.  For I do not seek to understand in order to have faith, but I have faith in order to understand.  For I believe even this:  I shall not understand unless I have faith".  I always thought that I would have to understand before I had faith.  I never was able to have faith because I didn't understand.  And I can't explain away why I all of a sudden have faith.  I truly believe it is a gift that you have to receive.  You cannot just decide to have faith.  Or maybe some people can.  But I could not.

I'm not sure where to go from here.  I think I will start with prayer and try to gain some more knowledge about the Church and being Catholic.  And also try to lead a more beautiful, peaceful life.

December 24th, 2006

What does everyone do...

For XXXmas?

Just curious, cause everyone does something different.

Bob and I are going to go to my Gramma's house tonight, altho, she won't be there. My parents are staying there since they live in Bend, and this is so they don't have to drive XXXmas morning. So we are going over there for lasagna, frito salad, garlic bread, and red wine... And more alcohol and usually 'Scene It' or some other game you can get drunk and yell at the TV, HA.

Then tomorrow we will probably open presents from my Mom and Dad over there, and then we will go to my other gma's and have brunch with my cousins and stuff... Then, more presents, woo!!! Then it's over to my aunt's for my dad's side of the family and prime rib and, you guessed it, more presents! LoL... PRESENTS PRESENTS PRESENTS!

Ah, truly, I do not need more stuff, but whatever, I'll take it!

December 17th, 2006

Ring update

Bob had to cut the ring off with bolt cutters... I took it to Freddie's and they are going to fix it for free... and for the future, they will cut it off for free, ha ha

December 15th, 2006

Last night... and because she bought me a ring for graduation, and gets mad every time I don't wear it around her, I shoved the too small ring onto my finger. I've worn it before and it's been fine. But now, it won't come off. At all. I have tried every trick and yeah...my finger is swollen and I think it just keeps getting swollen. Bob doesn't want me to go to the ER cause we really don't have the money, but I would hate to wait until later tonight when it's super swollen, only to find out that oh, wow, I have severe damage to my finger. Yeah that would suck ass.

It may be staying on until I'm skinny again. Haha.

December 7th, 2006

I heart Michelle's format

But I'm not cool enough to do a cut
So sorry.
I just painted the tips of my nails white. 
They are still wet and I'm typing.  I
t's hard because my nails are very very long.
Bob left this morning for New York. 
He should come home on Sunday, but he could be gone all week. 
It's Xxxmas time, and his birthday is the 12th, so it breaks my heart.
I was gonna go with him, but we couldn't get a companion ticket and so it would have been like $700. 
There are a lot of things you can buy for $700.
It sucks that he might get to go to Manhatten during Xxxmas. 
That's the only time I want to go to NYC.  Le sigh.
I'm really sick. 
Which is lame cause I was just sick the first couple weeks of October. 
What gives?
I had a group interview with Gymboree on Friday. 
She said she would have a decision by Tuesday. 
I have not heard a thing. 
And she's not checking my references.
I'm hungry.
I'm filling out a Penfed app.  Blech.
The food network is losing it's charm after the 73rd day being on in a row. 
I hate being here without Bob.
There are too many teenagers running out.

November 25th, 2006

It's my birthday!!!



It's really not that exciting, McMenimans won't serve you on your 21st after midnight because, "according to their books, the business day says it's still the 24th"... So my parents, Bob, and I picked up our money and stumbled down to another bar lol... It was gross and smokey and crowded and I loved it, ha ha.  It was cool to be there with my parents.  I had a Lemon Drop and half of my mom's Widmer Hefeweizen.  Then came home and had 2 Peppermint Patties (squeeze of chocolate syrup in your mouth then a shot of peppermint schnapps)...



November 23rd, 2006

I am sitting...

In the back of Bob's Alero outside his shop. We are on our way, with my brother, to my parents for the weekend...

Apparently, the weather is gonna suck balls!  Hooray!  Boo for driving in bad weather over the pass.  I might just need a sleeping pill.  :(

November 17th, 2006

Damn I ate a lot of food yesterday... and I will eat a lot tomorrow, so today I'm trying to eat less... and also lift some weights, ugg...

small amt of leftover Peanut Sauce Curry from Manola's Thai
cottage cheese

PBJ sandwich

3 oreos
3 pieces of random candy
64 oz of diet coke

4 pancakes with peanut butter and syrup (jesus christ!!)
1 egg over hard

what was left of the cottage cheese....

today i'm hoping to do better :)  ha ha ha ha

November 16th, 2006

Life, thus far

Job Situation:

K, here has been my Kay's Jewelers DRAMA...

I had my 1st interview on a Friday, and she said right after that one that she would call me to schedule the 2nd interview at the Kay's in VRC to meet another manager. They called me on Wednesday, for an interview on Friday. I show up on Friday, with a mind numbingly painful bladder infection, and the lady who is going to do my interview isn't even there. So I have to go down to a different store and do an interview with someone who wasn't really prepared to do one. The lady was awesome, but still... So, after that interview, she says she's going to call MY manager right away and that my mananger will call me that afternoon...

I didn't get a call until Thursday. The assistant manager called and offered me a job and then was like, 'Oh, wait, I don't know if you are hired on as seasonal or permanent, full or part time... Lemme call you back in a minute and I'll let you know what time to come in on Monday'

No one called me back. I called on Sunday afternoon and spoke with a girl and she's like 'Oh, you aren't even on the schedule. Lemme talk to the manager and find out the best time for you to come in tomorrow, I'll call you RIGHT BACK.'....

No one called me back. I called Sunday night, but duh, they were closed. I called Monday morning, and they don't have an answering machine.

Finally, Tuesday afternoon they call me. Then again on Wednesday. I, however, am not answering the phone. They can wait a week, just like they made me. And then, the only answer they are gonna get is, 'Sorry I can't work for you because I'm not gonna work for a place that doesn't call me back, 3 times in a row. Three strikes and you're out baby!'

Also, if I took that job, I would have NO Thanksgiving, NO Bday, NO Xmas, and NO New Years... F that!

So... I will not be working until January. That's right.  I'm going to be a little housewife and take care of the house and sleep and relax for the first time in my life. 

At this point I might point out that I am moving in with Bob!  Yup... it's gonna be crazy living here with him and 2 19 year olds, but at least it's an actual house... it will be weird to live with someone actually nice... what a fucking concept?!?!
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